A Conversation on Suicide, Depression and Drug Use

If u don’t mind me asking what exactly happened to him? Your brother

he committed suicide
while black out drunk
hung himself in him and his girlfriend’s bedroom

Oh wow, I’m so sorry! It’s a very unsettling way to loose somebody!

I’m sure I mentioned I lost my stepfather that way,

I mean he shot himself in the head but yea,

it’s very upsetting to know how sad they were to have went that far

yes
it was very hard for me for alot of different reason

and it will always be this gaping wound in my soul
i’ve actually been…around…alot of suicide in my life…

so i guess its not too surprising that the idea became

of interest to me when i started being depressed

Do u know why he was depressed?

lots of reasons…
its a long story, starts before he was even born

Right, usually it is a lot

it wasnt exactly a surprise, i mean, it was SHOCKING but not a shock, ya know?
honestly i was surprised he lasted as long as he did

Yea that’s how I felt about [my step dad]…u can sometimes see the lack of lust for life

oh no, it wasn’t like that at all
quite the opposite in Larry’s case
he had SO MUCH lust for life. he was brimming with it, it was contagious
he made you want to do the stupidest shit just because it was FUN
he was FUN
he made LIFE fun, being around him.
half of the time anyway….
unless he was drunk….or NOT drunk but going through with drawal….
then he was a whole different person…
but the same soul…
even in his anger, his rage, his depression he was PASSIONATE
he lived it…

lived in that pain like it was the only thing he had in that moment

looking in his eyes when he was like that was physically painful

Larry didnt lack the lust for life.

Not at all

He just came to a point in his life where the pain was so unbearable that he couldn’t love life enough to continue it.

you know that song, behind blue eyes?

I have heard it

That song is about my brother, as far as im concerned
you cant tell me that somebody didnt write that song about him
Larry had BRILLIANT blue eyes when he was young, in his 20s,

before the drugs dulled them
They do that you know, i think its crack that does its specifically,

it dulls blue eyes into a grayish green color that isnt remarkable at all
ive seen it happen twice…it makes me sad

its like…you can ACTUALLY watch the LIFE draining away,

the vaporous clouds of addiction drifting into the space left behind

Oh I have seen it…my mom!

not to intrude, but i dont think you mind, did your mom smoke crack?

Yea that’s why I have never experimented

that confirms my theory that its that, then

Yea my Mom likes uppers

i would like uppers if i allowed myself to try them
which is why i wont
too risky

I am opposite, I would rather not feel shit thats my downfall

I feel so much most days I wanna feel nothing I know heroin is my kryptonite

i cant do downers
they make me sleep
i sleep too much already
i hate that i do
i miss so much
see youre like your step dad and im like my brother

two different types of suicidal personality disorders i guess

You want to make it stop, I just cant find a way to keep it going that doesnt HURT too much

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