Why I’ll never drive stoned…

Me: im at that point where if i go to sleep now i wont wake up when i need to wake up so its best to just STAY up
i’d like some coffee but i dont know how to use the coffee pot

Friend:What kind of coffee pot is it?

Me: i dont even know that….
[my boyfriend] always makes the coffee
sad isnt it?
to be fair i only started drinking coffee on a regular basis RECENTLY

Friend:yeah i don’t drink much coffee either. I think the alcohol I drank in college makes the caffeine crash that much more insane.

Me: i only really started drinking alcohol after i got off parole, so, im not there yet

Friend:Anyway, if it’s a normal coffee pot there should be a flap in the back to pour the water in. So you fill up the pot to how much coffee you want and pour tha tin the back
Then lift up the front of the top and there should be where the beans and filter go.
you put a new filter in and a tablespoon of coffee grounds per 2 cups of coffee, Pat the grounds down and then close the lid and turn it on.
How’s that for fried gold?

Me: well im stoned and that seems complicated.
i wish i had mountain dew.

Friend:hahahah only problem with the [living in the] country. no stores close.

Me: totally

Friend:curse you time and distance!

Me: not that i would drive this way..tried that once…ONCE

Friend:just not your thing?

Me: ok so this is what happened
so its 4 am…. we’re in Geneva at some kids house
and i’m driving
i only have a permit, right?
and im driving my parents ’96 Chevy Blazer
you may not know but for some fucked up reason, these cars have a digital speedometer.
and one of the wires had come loose in ours
so if you went over a bump, the lights went out and you couldnt tell how fast you were going.
so we’re in Geneva, stoned as fuck, and all of a sudden one of my buddies gets a call and has to go home..like immediately
and im blitzed
but i gotta drive this chick home
so there i am on the back roads of Geneva, driving what was probably two miles an hour
because im stoned and time has slowed down
and it feels like im going really really fast
but i know thats not usually how it works……so i know im probably going really slow
but its fucking 4 a.m. and theres no other cars on the road for me to judge by…
and i have no speedometer….
and im paranoid from the weed….
and the whole time i was like “I”m gonna go to jail, im gonna go to jail, im gonna go to jail”
i made it back home in one piece without getting stopped….but it was the scariest ride i’ve ever taken and i will NEVER try it again.

Addendum: I wont drink and drive either, just incase.


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