Facebook Highlights: September & October 2014

Originally Written: September 5

eating yogurt with a fork cuz all the spoons are in the dishwasher….‪#‎firstworldproblems‬

Originally Written: September 6

Is it too early to start decorating for Halloween?

Originally Written: September 9

“holy christ all friday”- my dad, often.

Originally Written: September 13

Ive drank enough that my eyes have stopped reading

Originally Written: September 24

Trying to convince the big dogs (Star and Loki) that it’s MY turn to play with the puppy. Apparently he’s only MY puppy when he’s SLEEPING. Dogs don’t do logic well.

Originally Written: September 26

This long dream smells like pork
Venetian blinds
Geiger was a xenophobe
Sausage links
Susan Sarandon is gay
I love Sumerian chants
Superbowl hysteria warms my cockles
Engine grease is good for you
Paranoia ranks high on my bucket list
Itching makes malaria worse
Stairway to heaven
Santa isn’t real
Superman robs graves

A poem by Alana Norton.

inbox me if you want to know more…. lolol

Addendum: This is an inside joke, but also awesome without knowing the joke

Originally Written: September 27

“Never shit trippin” – [a friend]

Originally Written: September 28

You SO wish you were me right now. Dont worry bout why, just know im doing better things than you are.

Originally Written: September 28

My super power is strong, bendy toes.

Originally Written: October 6

Stupidly happy that I got to use the phrase “zone of contention” in conversation…. ‪#‎youmightbeanenglishmajorif‬

Originally Written: October 6

apple cider cupcake mix- $5.97 at Walmart

being 30 and still having your mom ask if you want to lick the mixers when she’s making cake…..priceless

‪#‎awesomemom‬

‪#‎ivefinallygivenintousinghashtagsnowyoushallallpay

Originally Written: October 6

My boyfriend intimidated a PRINCE by shear presence…that’s bad ass! [he] is awesome.

Addendum: Another inside joke, but also funny without knowing.
Originally Written: October 6

I am now DISTINCTLY aware of what paper towels TASTE like

Addendum: we ran out of coffee filters and had no way to get to the store…. so we got creative.

Originally Written: October 6

Who else remembers brewing coffee with pantyhose [in prison]???? c’mon, you b*tches know who you are

Addendum: after the paper towel failure, I remembered girls making brewed coffee in prison using panty hose… all I had was a fresh, brand new from the package, sock…. it worked surprisingly well.

Originally Written: October 6

I just LITERALLY bit off more than i could chew……

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see?
Originally Written: October 8

im wearing rubber duck pants.
and a hoodie.
these are my comfort clothes.
Originally Written: October 10

Making soup and playing “get the ankle” with Thor [the puppy] at 3 a.m.
Originally Written: October 10

Is it sad that I’m already anticipating building snow forts and St Patrick’s day and I’m still busy planning my Halloween party?

Originally Written: October 11

Dear McDonalds Monopoly,

Thanks for the free month of Hulu…we will be taking full advantage since we don’t have cable.

Sincerely, Lana & [my boyfriend].
Originally Written: October 12

getting a Stephen Lynch song stuck in your head and having a hard time not singing it outloud in public and offending half the world….. ‪#‎firstworldproblems‬
Originally Written: October 12

I’ve decided that i’m going to start saying “Crack” instead of swearing. why? no idea. it just seems like a thing to do.

This conversation followed:

Cousin: I like that, especially for the F word.. and as long as your not doing it your good

Best Friend: What the crack

Me: Its a crackin thing ok??

Me: And [cousin], never doing it, no how, worst drug out there imo

Best Friend: Well I’m cracking fine with that….

Me: Well crack, I was hoping it would crack with your head

Me: Im cracking UP over here

Best Friend: Oh it has definitely cracked with my head. I mean who the crack would have cracking thought of this kind of cracked up crack?

Friend 2: So for my nickname “crackhead” you would be calling me a fuckhead or a shithead?lmao…I had to say that

Best Friend: hahahahahhaha

Friend 3: Imma give that a go. Crack hat! Bull crack! Crack off you mother cracker! Ok, that one might be offensive…

Friend 4: That’s how crystal meth saved my life.

Originally Written: October 15

they have gum that tastes like sour patch kids!!!!!

Originally Written: October 18

“Boobies look better from above” -Lana

Originally Written: October 19

Me: I must be sick, I have the urge to clean…..maybe if I lie down it will pass….

[Friend}: you wanna do what??

Me: clean. Yeah, I know, I’m confused too.

Originally Written: October 19

I’ve decided I’m an alien. I am not nocturnal, or diurnal, I sleep the way I do because I’m from a planet where the day and night are much longer and follow that planets circadian rhythm. Are there sci fi books about sleep cycles, or that bother taking that into account? Anybody read anything with that in it? I should write a book about it.

Originally Written: October 20

My puppy has insinuated himself between me back and the back of the chair and is now snoring. Loudly. If he were any cuter I’d die from exposure.

Originally Written: October 20

Loki(the dog) fell asleep hugging Thor(the puppy) like a stuffed animal!!!!!!!!!! Im dying over here!!!!

Originally Written: October 24

I’m bound and determined that today will be productive if it kills me. I need butter.
Originally Written: October 26

I’d like to issue a public apology…… [my friends] and everyone else who was at the party last night for my SEVERE intoxication. I’m more than a bit embarrassed, and you guys are awesome friends for not just leaving my ass in that ditch. seriously.

Most of all, to my boyfriend who is the best boyfriend IN the world….. for putting up with me and my vomitousness.

I hope I didnt completely ruin the party, i’m sorry, and i love you guys.

Addendum: I really do have the best boyfriend in the world. That night I drank two rum and cokes that were VERY heavy on the rum, and I drank them very fast… Fast enough that when the first one hit me, and I realized i didn’t need anymore, it was farrrrrr too late. I have never been that drunk before and I never plan to be again. I threw up. ON my boyfriend. Repeatedly. I also fell. Twice. And through it all he didnt get mad or disgusted with me, he helped me, and took me home, and he put me in the shower and cleaned me up, and then he put my pajamas on me (he even found a shirt and pants set that MATCHED!) and put me to bed. And although I didnt have a hangover (I seem to be immune to them) he offered to let me stay in bed all day and bring me whatever i needed. Yep. This ones a keeper.

Originally Written: October 26

Me: last night…i got drunk like you get drunk…
One of my more often inebriated friends: oh yeah? wow…
Me: yeah ..it was bad

Originally Written: October 26

just for the record, if you get a message from me at 4 am asking if you’re up, 90% of the time its just that i’m bored and your name had the little green circle next to it on Facebook. If something’s wrong i’ll let you know more specifically than just asking if you’re awake. cuz I do this alot.
Originally Written: October 29

‘Why am I looking at my watch, its not real.’ my friend, not drunk at all

Originally Written: October 29

” my dad was an eagle scout” – Alana’s last words
Originally Written: October 29

“In my country we call that fudge” – Lana

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