Welcome to Part 3 of my Antiques Mall Adventure…. for those who haven’t read the prior parts, I’ll start with this:
Lately my boyfriend and I are on a budget, so we spend an awful lot of time cooped up in the house watching TV and playing video games….but there’s only so much of that you can handle before you just need to GO SOMEWHERE. We try to find places we can go and do things that are cheep, or better yet, free. One of my personal favorite places to go is a HUGE Antiques Mall that is fairly close by. They have HUNDREDS of vendors selling out of one big building, and you NEVER know what you might find there. Even if you’re broke just window shopping in this store can be fascinating. And to make it even better they have free coffee, water, and animal crackers for patrons (but its always nice to leave a tip in the tip jar).
If you live in upstate NY and want to check them out their website is here
Anyway, we were desperately bored yesterday, and I hadn’t yet introduced my boyfriend to the joys of the antiques mall, so we got in the car and headed over.
If you’re going to check it out I DEFINITELY recommend going on a weekday if at all possible…the place tends to be pretty empty during the week, and you will find that the employees are alot less rushed and alot more willing to let you take stuff out of locked cases and look at it, try it on, play with it, etc. If you absolutely HAVE to go on the weekend or a holiday, be prepared for the check out line to be pretty long, and to have to wait a while for assistance. I’ve gone on busy days many times and I dont really mind, but if you’re an impatient person this might not be for you.
Ok, review part over, now for the FUN stuff.
I’m splitting this entry into section because its going to be very graphics heavy and long. Hopefully I’ll keep it interesting enough that you’ll stick around and read all the parts, but feel free to skim.
I call this part “Antique Nightmares” or “why you shouldn’t bring your kids to the antiques mall”
For some reason, people made some scary looking shit back in the day…and for some equally unfathomable reason, people seem to be willing to pay money for that shit NOW….
I’m going to split this into a few different sections. We’ll start with my favorite, Clowns.
Lots of people are afraid of clowns, mostly thanks to Stephen Kings “IT”. I admit, they can be rather creepy, I mean, people walking around in face paint silently handing children balloon animals IS kind of weird. Fortunately this is one phobia I do not share, although I have a very close friend who is petrified of the things, and I delight in torturing her with them. You can find all sorts of intentionally creepy/ scary clowns on the internet now days, but personally, I think these antiques are MUCH worse….because they weren’t MEANT to be scary. They just ARE.
This is probably the least frightening of the bunch… the bright colors seem pretty happy, to me. but theres something about those closed eyes…
the gaping open mouth adds to the creep factor on this one.
I had a hard time choosing between this one and the last one as “most creepy”. The eyebrows and the red and black face paint make him very NOT ok.
And the winner is!! yeah, this guy has seen better days, and the wear and tear on the face only succeed in making him look more evil. He’s plotting your doom, you can just tell.
This next section I will call “Horrors with Stuffing”
Before the industrial revolution, most toys were hand made, usually by family members. Examples of these toys often show how LITTLE artistic talent said family members had. They say its the thought that counts, but some of these people just should have given their kids a rock and drawn a face on it.
This little guy is actually sort of cute in a very rough i-dont-look-like-a-dog kind of way. I wouldn’t give him to my kid(or anybody elses) but he’s not too terrifying
this little fella is actually kind of cute…in a weird, creepy not-ok kind of way
Now if you’ve read many of my entries at all, you’ll know I love squirrels… but this guy looks more like ROADKILL. and for some reason people are trying to sell him. I don’t get it.
Now this guy is truly scary…look at those satanic red eyes!!
This guy is my favorite… I have to stop and look at him every time i go by.I wish I could’ve gotten a picture without the glass reflecting… he’s creepy in his own right, with that blank, big eyes expression… but the horrible looking tear on his face makes him look scarred and deformed…..wanna play, kiddies?
Next we’ll talk about DOLLS…. thanks to the Chucky franchise and more recently Annabelle, not to mention a Stephen King novel or two, dolls are often considered creepy or even possessed. Modern dolls aren’t too bad, but ANTIQUE dolls….thats where the fear factor comes into play…
I’m not sure exactly what this creepy doll is holding, but her toothy grin and shady looking eyes are offering me things I know I shouldn’t have…
Raggedy Ann has had one too many up the nose, if you know what I mean.
The expression on this Majorette’s face will haunt me, no doubt.
At first glance this doll isnt too bad, until you look at the cracked paint around the mouth that looks like dead skin, and the tiny little hand painted teeth….the better for eating your SOUL
This doll could be almost sweet looking…except for those crazy eyes…never trust the crazy eyes…
And now for just some general fucking scary shit, randomly found in the Antiques Mall, that didnt fit into the above categories:
This didnt scary me as much as it grossed me out. I’m not a fan of taxidermy anyway, but for some reason, taxidermied FROGS just totally squigs me. I’m a very tactile person, and although they were (thankfully) locked up sso I couldnt touch them, I can just imagine the dried out leathery, papery skin under my fingers, and the god awful sounds it would make and….ok I have to stop. NEXT
Santa has elves, so why not SATAN??
Speaking of Satan…. why the red eye? poor color choice, or symbolism? you decide.
Annddddd tiny herd of satanic pigs. Yours for just $10!!
These creepy bears are just chillen…waiting for you to die, so they can eat your soul.
And then there’s this…. The little old lady who lived in a shoe and ATE PEOPLE FOR DINNER…. I mean, do you see that face!!?? Here, let me help you…
So there you have it… plenty or freasons not to bring your kids to an antique store…unless you’re a sadistic bastard who terrorizes children on purpose. in which case, go for it. I don’t judge.
Hope you enjoyed this third part of my Antiques Mall Adventure, and will join me for the final addition, part 4: wtf is that?