Facebook Highlights- April & May 2014

originally written: April 30, 2014 ·

 “I took selfies before there was a word for it, and before there were front facing cameras….because Vanity….”

originally written: April 30, 2014 ·

 “I hate that my dad thinks he is a republican….. It makes me want to knock him upside the head….. Sigh”
Originally written: May 22, 2014 ·
God, or whoever, or whatever, please save me from my family. (and no, i dont just mean you, you who will take this personally,so calm down.)
originally written: May 1, 2014 ·

 “the point in the night where you kind of want to stay up a bit more, but you know if you do sleep will be kind of pointless…. do i try to sleep when i’m not tired, or do i try and stay awake exhausted all day tomorrow? le sigh….”
Originally written: May 2, 2014 ·

 “if my dad refuses to stop yellling at the tv i’m going to turn it off and take the batteries out of the remote control. then he’ll have someone to yell at who can FRIGGIN HEAR HIM”
This conversation followed:
Friend 2: he watching fox and friends?

Me: no…..PBS, nightly buisness report or some crap

Friend 1: …damn obama

Me: you didnt make that screamy enough

Friend 1: !@%$!@&#^%!OBAMA@#!*@#&!(@#&!#

Me: much better

Friend 2: so I shouldnt get him an obama is awesome tshirt?

Friend 1: #@&#^!@&#^&@#^#^!@&#IDIOT*#@*&!@#!@#&*(OBAMA

Friend 2: yeah I seen this republican thing they get like Obama tourettes

Me: yeah , i agree, do it. that’d be hilarious. i would make him put it on and take pictures.

Me: no see, my dad only mistakenly THINKS he’s a republican

Friend 2: is he rich or poor

Friend 2: poor = democrat

Friend 2: rich = republican

Friend 2: bat shit crazy = tea party

Friend 2: pot head = liberatarian

Me: he’s a repluican who’s a union laborer and has been his whole life, with a bisexual daughter who’s last boyfriend was a poor black boy…. he’s the worst republican ever.

Me: he’s middleclass, lately lower middle

Friend 2: yeah he is failing badly at republicanning

Friend 2: yeah union republican is kinda like a jewish nazi

Me: exactly

Friend 2: unless its the tops union

Friend 2: then I get it

Me: i told him once “you’re really bad at being a republican” and he said “thats because i work for my money” and i wanted to be like I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR HEAD

originally written: May 3, 2014 ·

“Fuck Facebook. Fuck them in their stupid fucking faces. ARGHHHHHHHH….. also, fuck Spotify, for not letting you access your account unless you have access to your Facebook WHICH I DONT. fucking bullshit.”

Addendum:  realized a few days after my old account was deleted that I could no longer access the Spotify account I was still being charged 9.99 a month for… NOT a happy moment

originally written: May 5, 2014 ·

 “why is it that when you’er hungry Facebook starts showing you all kinds of food?how do they KNOW?”
originally written: May 6, 2014 ·

 “lol…flash backs…. been going through some old papers and stuff, found this photobooth pictures of me and Stacy Spencer, a million years ago…lol…think we took these at Sea Breeze…”
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Addendum: I’m the one on the right.
originally written: May 9, 2014 ·

 “scanning and uploading my artwork, because its 2 am and i have nothing better to do for once… also, my DeviantArt page hasnt been updated in like ten years….so…bout time….bet half of you didnt even know i could draw.”
originally written: May 10, 2014 ·

” ive just realized that drawer as in where you put your socks and drawer as in one who draws are indestinguishable out of context which makes the post i just put on deviant art called “social drawer” reallllllllyyyy strange sounding”
originally written: May 10, 2014 ·

 “looking at other peoples art and realizing how crappy i am…i need to go to SCHOOL…i have the talent, i need to learn the techniques….”
originally written: May 10, 2014 ·

” i’m mildly perturbed that it is dark because i can not hunt for burried treasures with no light”
originally written” May 10, 2014 ·

 “Everybody’s jealous of my new toy, even me.”
Addendum: My boyfriend gave me a metal detector as a gift
originally written: May 11, 2014 ·

 I saw a squirrel once…he was doing like this ‘tch tch tch tch tch’
originaly written: May 11, 2014 ·

 “Me and Spaz enjoyin the sun shine”
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Addendum: This is the day Spaz, my squirrel, came to live with me. Her mother and siblings were hit by a car when their nest fell out of the tree. Spaz survived and was hand raised with an eye dropper by a good friend of mine. She has never known life without humans and she is VERY friendly and sweet. But she CAN be a handful. Originally my friend thought she was a boy.
Originally written: May 12, 2014 ·

 “There is a squirrel on my butt. That is all.”
Originally Written: May 12, 2014 ·

 “Lamp Squirrel Don’t Care.”
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originally written: May 12, 2014 

“i decided we should have a metal detector party and hide shit in the lawn and whoever finds the most shit wins a prize and it can be pirate themed…who’s down?”

originally written: May 13, 2014 ·

 “someone bring me doritos and help me open the pool, i dont want to put on a shirt.”

Originally written:May 15, 2014 ·

” i hate when my mom tells me where shes going and i say “uh huh” and then thirty minutes later im like “what the hell did she say?””

originally written:May 15, 2014 ·

 “sometimes i just feel the need to glue things to other things….i usually control the urge, but sometimes i just think i should let myself go….”

Originally written: May 16, 2014 ·

 “something has made my mom drunk

she just asked me “do you remember (blah blah blah) from in my dreams last night?”

and i was like..”no, i do NOT remember anything from in your dreams last night, because they are your DREAMS and i cant see them.”

and she said “ohhhh yeah….””

originally written: May 16, 2014 ·

 “dear [friend]

your back yard sucks and i am covered in mosquito bites. I hope you are similarly itchy.

Love, Lana”

originally written: May 16, 2014 ·

 “does anyone feel like splashing in puddles with me? because i really feel like doing that, but not alone.”

originally written: May 17, 2014 ·

 “Forcing [my boyfriend] to watch care bears with me…..because that’s what GOOD boyfriends let you get away with….*grin*”
originally written: May 17, 2014 ·
“Spaz thinks grandma’s ear is tastey”
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originally written: May 18, 2014 ·

 “Fire breathing faerie squirrel….because I have a new app to play with”
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originally written: May 19, 2014 ·
“i suddenly have a ridiculously strong craving for brownie batter”

Originally written: May 20, 2014 ·
“Does anyone else have a really hard time talking about someone in the past tense, even years after they’ve passed?”

Oiginally written: May 20, 2014 ·

“so normally, when i’m drawing and i ask people “what should i draw” they say i dont know, or draw what you want…. [My boyfriend] is the first person i’ve ever known who’s given me a real ANSWER…..however, his answers are a bit strange…i find them amusing and challanging…. and have decided we should continue to do this as often as possible….here are the first two examples:

[he] told me to draw a squid with a pegleg holding a pineapple living in space….. so i did

10406481_1409028166048921_6514943311011641543_n

[he] told me to draw a mushroom playing playing poker with a one eyed elephant and a spare tire using doritos as chips….so i did.”

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Originally written: May 20, 2014 ·

“Spaz is learning to climb waaaayyyyy too well”
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originally written: May 21, 2014 ·
“There is a squirrel trying to remove my labret and it is the funniest thing in the world”
originally written:May 22, 2014 ·
“There is enfamil dried up on my iPad….friggin squirrel….smh…..but I do love him so”
originally posted: May 22, 2014
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Originally Written: May 22, 2014 ·
“welp….i done eaten all the popsicals again….”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“its so much easier to get along with me once you realize that “dork” is a term of endearment.”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“its always awkward when you accidentally send a message to the wrong person
its especially awkward when the message was “one of the bookends is raping the carpet”
welcome to my life.”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“you know something is going wrong in your life when you find yourself apologizing to your dog for being old and fat.”
Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“do you ever see something and go “i want to chew on that” in your head? no? just me?……..yeah, ok.”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“HOLY SWEET JESUS I AM A DORK…. im not even going to…..lets just say there MIGHT have been a sentence that involved furries and mathematical formula ….and it might have come from me.”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“i have the best fb posts ever
i am epic
which doesnt mean what we make it mean, you know…but still…i am an extremely long series of tales collected in a volume and then used as an adjective.”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“one of my suggested groups on FB is “DIDYMOS Love & Appreciation” and im sure thats an acronym but i REALLY REALY REALLY want it to be a group celebrating Sir Didymus from Labyrinth.”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“do you ever think so much faster than you type that you start making up your own acronyms? no? just me?…….yeah ok.”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“NEW WORD: interpution : n- when you do something gross that stops what you were doing originally….like a shart. or when you vomit in your mouth in mid sentence……enjoy, use with caution”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“NEW WORD: Dancerous: n- the happy feet disease”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“NEW WORD: gentinal: n- condom…..sentinal for your genitals…”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“do you ever get really proud of yourself for dumb shit, like finding where you left your ciggarettes? no? just me?….yeah, ok.”

Originally written: May 23, 2014 ·
“NEW WORD: converstation: n- talk radio”

Originally written: May 24, 2014 ·
“my squirrel is a girl. i’ve been calling the poor thing a boy this whole time, never thought to check, just assumed his previous parents had…..nope…girl. Spazy is a girl. this is the second time this has happened to me recently. i’m having an identity crisis.”

Originally written: May 24, 2014 ·
“parmesan goldfish are like crack.”

Originally written: May 27, 2014
“Spazy is so cute, she’s gotten only minimal play time the last three days cuz i’ve been super busy, and when i fed her this morning she just HUGGED me and wanted to be held, and normally she cant hold STILL long enough for me to just cuddle her like that….poor baby, it was like she was sayin “i missed you mom!” ….i love that friggin thing, she’s friggin adorable.”

originally written: May 27, 2014 ·

 “why does miniaturizing things make them like 300% cuter?”
originally written: May 27, 2014
“Suddenly realizing the parallels between myself and Germaine from Foamy the Squirrel and kind of feeling weird that i might be an internet cartoon.”

addendum: I have a pet Squirrel named Spaz. I dye my hair funny colors alot…. I may possibly be of questionable virtue. You see it too, right?

This conversation followed my post:

•Friend: yeah but your squirrel is not a homicidal megalomaniac

•me: how do YOU know? she’s young yet, give her time

•Friend: I still think your not quite slutty enough to be germaine I mean I cant seem to find any collections of photos of you on the internet covered in pizza and jizz or doing booty dances

•me: no comment

Originally written: May 29, 2014 :

“Floor selfie, because I can.”

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Originally written: May 29, 2014 ·

“Sexy 3d glasses….you know u want this!”

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Originally Written: May 30, 2014

“did you know theres a town…in ny…..called chenango? sha-nane-go……the FUCK named that place??? it sounds like an african tribe. anyway something happened there yesterday that was on the news but i couldnt pay any attention because i was to busy being stunned by the fact that there is a TOWN called CHENANGO”

Originally written: May 31, 2014 ·
“Those of you that have met Spaz and think you want a squirrel, I just hope you know my arms and chest are covered with scratches from her wicked little nails…she’s awesome, but she’s not an easy pet to have….you have to not mind the constant scratches (and they DO hurt, trust me) and you have to give them a TON of attention and play time, and they WILL get into everything and anything, no matter what you do, they will knock shit down and chew on things that you really don’t want teeth marks on, they are destructive, especially if you don’t give them enough toys , and toys aren’t cheap unless you have time to make them yourself. So, long story short: don’t get a squirrel, you’re welcome to visit mine.”
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